Book Tour #Giveaway: So Sorry For Your Loss by Dina Gachman
PRAISE FOR SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS:
Gachman perceptively puts words to the uncomfortable realities of loss…and deconstructs its social myths, helping readers feel less alone. Those facing loss will find solace here.” —Publishers Weekly
“So Sorry for Your Loss is a monument to the work of remembering and a testament to the immutable love of family and the grief that forever changes us.” —Lauren Hough, New York Times bestselling author of Leaving Isn’t the Hardest Thing
“So Sorry for Your Loss is a meditation on loss that reminds us how to go on living.” —Deirdre Fagan, author of Find a Place for Me and The Grief Eaters
Excerpt
from So Sorry for Your Loss
by Dina
Gachman
In the months after my mom, and then, later, Jackie, died, I would catch myself feeling,basically, nothing. It worried me. How could nothingness feel so awful? What kind of a raw deal is that? In grief, you’re either distraught or, if you’re not distraught, you’re feeling guilty that you’re not feeling tormented.
Robinson calls the numbing aspect “a natural and normal part” of grief. It happens frequently in the immediate aftermath of loss. She says that it’s “adaptive,” in that it allows you to function and get through your daily routine, especially if you’re a caregiver and you have to plan a funeral or take care of a child, or both. It’s necessary, but it also shouldn’t cause you to dissociate completely from experiencing grief because it just “kicks the can down the road.” The emotions don’t go away simply because you ignore them.
The numbness can make you feel like there is something deeply wrong with you because you are not doubled over sobbing every second of the day. My dad is no psychologist (he sells steel coils), but he is basically an expert on grief at this point. His theory is that we temporarily go numb to survive the pain. It helps us function for a while before the next wave slams us back. I also think that after experiencing such deeply felt, traumatic emotions, everyday existence tends to be mistaken for numbness. You’re spent, cried out, wrung dry. A baseline, whatever your baseline is, can feel like you’re flatlining, when really you’re just at your baseline. I’ve learned that the experience of feeling guilty about feeling nothing doesn’t seem to last long, so don’t worry. Another session of gut-wrenching tears is probably right around the corner!
Numbness or detachment can also be a sign of prolonged grief, which is a state of heightened mourning that can actually be harmful. It can stop you from getting back into life, and doing things like going to work or seeing friends. Shear, head of Columbia’s Center for Prolonged Grief, says, “Prolonged grief disorder means there is an initial, all-encompassing kind of grief. We like to say that grief emerges naturally and finds a place in your life; it doesn’t disappear. Prolonged grief is when it just stays in a domineering role in your life and it interferes with your ability to move forward in a way that’s meaningful.”
Periods of what might feel
like emotional numbness, though, can be “a very natural
coping mechanism.” Shear
says some troubling signs are when people feel disconnected from work, friends,
or things that used to bring them joy. They don’t feel okay moving forward or
doing positive things for themselves, even after months or years. Prolonged
Grief Disorder was added to the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Disorders, fifth edition) in 2022, and it caused some controversy,
mainly because some people felt it was pathologizing grief. If it helps someone
who is truly suffering, and they can get their insurance to cover treatment or
medications, though, I’m all for it.
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